There's no title that could sum up this moment in time, this utter horror that seems to have taken hold. Some people pestered me about writing another blog post, well here it is. Fresh off the press.
As wonderful as this time of year is already, what with the anniversary of Keiran's death, the 17th. Another event has been added to the list. The death of my most wonderful nana. It's been on the cards, I know it has, but I can't cope. Especially not right now, what with my mum's operation and Keiran. This is turning into another shitty year.
Right now I can't do much apart from sit. When I stand, my legs collapse under me. I cried my eyes out and now I'm just in utter shock. She was a mum to me my whole life, she brought me up. She was always there for me, and did everything she possibly could for me. And now she's gone.
I can't believe it.
6 comments:
From the old man who wanders by your blog occasionally, nothing I say can heal the pain you must feel. It sounds cheap, even hollow, but I do offer sympathy. And I would add this: please allow yourself to be human, to grieve, to cry. Be angry and rail at God or fate, however, whatever you belive. Hopefully, if hope should even be mentioned here in such a dark period for you, you will reach a point where you ask yourself what your nana would want you to do. And I suspect the woman you describe would say, 'please, if you wish to remember me, go and achieve. Accomplish. Become the best person you can possibly be.'
I wish you well.
Thanks so much. I have no idea who you are, but it was very nice of you to say that!
Take your feelings out in music ... that's what I would do ...
I can't really help you at all ... apart from give you that advice ...
I've been 54 years now trying to figure out who I am and still don't have a clue. It's not terribly relevant or important anyway. If my words helped you in any way, THAT is what is relevant and important.
I would add this. While I do not believe time heals all wounds, it at least makes them bearable. It can even allow you to acknowledge that while people you loved are no longer physically here, they live on in some way inside of you. With time can come perspective that allows you to remember those people without dissolving into tears, even to recall what it was that made them so very special to you.
Right now though, that must seem an impossibly long way off. Right now, the most important thing to you IS you. May I suggest you find someone with patience and maturity whom you can trust and unburden yourself? You cannot and will not manage it all at once. You will likely repeat yourself, even repeat your emotional reactions which is why patience is the key. You must have whatever time and space you need to work through your grief.
Finally, allow yourself this as well. When, not if, your losses become bearable, allow yourself to laugh without feeling guilt, to enjoy a moment in which you 'forget' those you have lost. (You haven't really forgotten. The memories have simply made room for more to join them.) About the worst thing you can do to yourself is to close yourself off and feel nothing.
This is a much longer comment than I intended and I apologize. I simply hope that somewhere in amongst it all, you find something that helps you through this time.
Maybe it shouldn't matter that you haven't posted lately, but it does. Would like to check back one day and find that you have resumed writing feelings, thoughts, emotios, however dark they may be.
She probably never will.
Post a Comment