Who could have known that happiness like this actually exists?


I love fate.

I'll Be Seeing You

I'll be seeing you
In all the old familiar places
That this heart of mine embraces
All day through.

In that small cafe;
The park across the way;
The children's carousel;
The chestnut trees;
The wishin' well.

I'll be seeing you
In every lovely summer's day;
In every thing that's light and gay.
I'll always think of you that way.

I'll find you
In the morning sun
And when the night is new.
I'll be looking at the moon,
But I'll be seeing you.

I'll be seeing you
In every lovely summer's day;
In every thing that's light and gay.
I'll always think of you that way.

I'll find you
In the morning sun
And when the night is new.
I'll be looking at the moon,
But I'll be seeing you.

Despite having hardly any sleep and a fairly humdrum night ahead, I'm in a surprisingly good mood! Hopefully it'll stay a 3 of Cups day and I won't get all grumpy later XD

I need to convince Burky to be out, I'm in the mood to see loads of people I know, for the first time in a while! I hope Danny's out, I haven't seen him in so long. Last time I saw him he completely ignored me because he was with his girlfriend! She hates me because I'm his ex XD Oh well, he made me a sorry card and posted it to me, it's good to get back into the habit of writing letters :D

The only thing that's even vaguely annoyed me are the irritating voicemails of Harrison making random noises down the phone XD Even then it doesn't bother me, it's all good!

What a boring, inane post! Well, suck it, I don't care :D

Ah...to be young again!

Baaah, why is life so utterly and incredibly dull? I feel disillusioned! When you're young, life is all new and exciting, filled with adventures. I wish I could be a little kid again, so I could re-experience it all. I know I have a lot of life left to live, but right now it all seems rather...blah. Even the things that should be fun, going out with friends and attempting to drink and drug yourself into believing that it's all good, just isn't what it used to be!

It's always the same people going to the same places, talking about the same things and doing the same things each day/week/month/year. Even the little dramas that life dredges up are dull and uninteresting.

When you're a teenager you can't wait to grow up! Become an adult in an adult world, go to clubs without the worries of getting knocked back, experience all the planet has to offer. When you get to the point where it all comes true for you, you just think "Huh...is this it?"

Goddammit, I will have to make my life interesting! I'll walk the Great Wall of China, I'll get arrested in Nigeria for attempting to steal a goat, I'll do SOMETHING to pull myself out of this damnable rut!

Me and Blitzer always wanted to do those things together, we are a pair of kindred spirits in many ways, but as time goes by the images of our great adventures start to fade. We've grown apart somewhat due to the happenings of the last year, but I want to try and get our friendship back to what it was. Especially given the disturbing information he imparted to me on Saturday.

Actually, other than that, Saturday was a surprisingly good night! I was sober, yet insanely hyper. For the many endless nights I spend in Glasgow city centre, very few stand out, but I think this one did.

As for the "disturbing information" I recieved, Blitzer has decided to renew his medic training and head for Gaza. I understand his reasons for doing it, his friend who was working as a medic there was shot in the face a few weeks ago and Blitzer feels the need to do something important before he goes blind. It's his personal mission, but one that I have a hard time supporting.

Well, the chips will fall as they may and it's out of my hands.

I'm not at all nervous!

I'm quite certain that giving away my hospital appointment details is a breach of the Hypocratic Oath! I hadn't wanted to tell my mum I was going to the neurology clinic until I knew a bit more about what was wrong, but they blurted out on the phone the time/date of the appointment, who it was with, and of course the department.

Having phoned today, they expected me to make it in for tomorrow! I had to re-schedule it and the nearest available time slot is the 6 of May, makes me wish I could have made it tomorrow after all.

I'm not sure what kind of tests I'll be undergoing at the clinic, the only thing I've found out thus far is that they will probably be giving me an MRI scan to check for brain tumours. Luckily I doubt it's anything so serious!

Still pretty worried though :P

Sometimes you need to hit rock bottom before you reach the other side

The last couple of months have been a dark, yet spiritual, time. I've isolated myself in every way and thought a lot about what I want and what I need. So many questions I've been contemplating, and only now have I found the answers. It occurs to me how idiotic I was not to have seen them when they were staring me in the face, but perhaps I wasn't ready to know. These were things I had to come to in my own time, when ready for them, although I don't think I would ever have been truly ready. What I learnt, what I understood, I've always known deep down, but have avoided until the time was right.

All the signs pointed to my need to retreat from the world and take time to reflect, and for a long time I didn't see the point since nothing seemed to be happening. I uncovered some repressed memories, realised the extent of my pain, but wasn't healing from any of it. It wasn't the right time though, this is a hard journey and an even harder lesson to learn. It's been a period of self doubt, of loneliness, of hope and then of hopelessness, but I don't think it's been for naught. I can feel myself changing and maybe I'll grow as a person, after the barren wilderness and hibernation. Maybe I'm in transition. I have a long road ahead of me though, it won't be easy. The one truly positive thing I can say right now is that I'm realising it is possible for me to move on, despite the hardship and the hurt it causes me.

In fact, this has all been one long journey. I started by repressing my feelings, almost immediately after it happened, and for a long time I wondered why I couldn't feel anything for him or the time we had together, how I had gotten over it so quickly. I thought to myself, surely I would take something away from this? Even if just a warm feeling when looking back on what we had? Instead I felt cold, disconnected from it all. Obviously I realised the truth a few months ago, all that love and all that pain hadn't gone anywhere, and it came flooding back like a burst dam. After feeling the inital effects of that, which were quite brutal in their intensity, the denial came in. The desperate hope that everything could be made right again. I ignored all the signs that told me I had to move on, because I just couldn't see it as a possibility, I felt like I could wait till the ends of the earth for him. I'm now past that stage, and as difficult as it is, I know what I need to do. I have no idea how long it'll take, or how I'll cope with it, but I'll manage somehow. I've never felt like this before, it's a whole new ballpark for me, and it's enough to put me off love forever, but I know I'll pull it together and be able to start afresh.

Your nearest and dearest will turn on you, don't forget it

Ah yes, the power of avoidance! Suppressing your feelings works a damn treat, there are some times in which you can't, but suppression is still the best way forward in general. Why face something today what you can face tomorrow? :P Procrastination has always been my friend and why give up the habit of a lifetime? Since I can't seem to get over him, I'll do exactly what I did after we broke up, repress it all. Maybe one day I'll face it. Still, it makes it difficult to be with other men. I'm seeing someone and have a couple of dates coming up, one of which is with John James! Haven't seen him in years, should be a good laugh. Although I know this is a positive step, I can't put my heart into it. I want to be with someone else and truly care about them, but how can you feel that way about a man when your heart is completely devoted to someone else? I suppose I'll have to puzzle this one out, because I have no intention of being the crazy old bag lady with 50 cats that all the kids are scared of. In all of the relationships I've been in since him, I've been so distant. My ex even broke up with me because of it!

I hate not being able to trust anyone, but I've never had any reason to trust. Basically everyone I've ever known has turned against me, most won't even tell me why. Some have been because of mistakes I've made, and I concede that, but with others it's all rumour. People I called my closest friends, trusted with secrets no one will ever know again, turned their backs on me because of rumours they'd heard about me. I thought they knew me well enough to know a rumour when they heard it, but it just affirms my belief that people are scum. I won't trust anyone so easily again, even the friends I have now that think I trust them because I tell them things, I'm always waiting for them to turn on me. It'll happen sooner or later. Still, at the end of the day, I desperately want to trust someone, be the open person I used to be. I've changed so much I'm barely me anymore. I know that without solving this problem I'll never be as close to anyone as I once was, I'll never open my heart to anyone.