Your nearest and dearest will turn on you, don't forget it

Ah yes, the power of avoidance! Suppressing your feelings works a damn treat, there are some times in which you can't, but suppression is still the best way forward in general. Why face something today what you can face tomorrow? :P Procrastination has always been my friend and why give up the habit of a lifetime? Since I can't seem to get over him, I'll do exactly what I did after we broke up, repress it all. Maybe one day I'll face it. Still, it makes it difficult to be with other men. I'm seeing someone and have a couple of dates coming up, one of which is with John James! Haven't seen him in years, should be a good laugh. Although I know this is a positive step, I can't put my heart into it. I want to be with someone else and truly care about them, but how can you feel that way about a man when your heart is completely devoted to someone else? I suppose I'll have to puzzle this one out, because I have no intention of being the crazy old bag lady with 50 cats that all the kids are scared of. In all of the relationships I've been in since him, I've been so distant. My ex even broke up with me because of it!

I hate not being able to trust anyone, but I've never had any reason to trust. Basically everyone I've ever known has turned against me, most won't even tell me why. Some have been because of mistakes I've made, and I concede that, but with others it's all rumour. People I called my closest friends, trusted with secrets no one will ever know again, turned their backs on me because of rumours they'd heard about me. I thought they knew me well enough to know a rumour when they heard it, but it just affirms my belief that people are scum. I won't trust anyone so easily again, even the friends I have now that think I trust them because I tell them things, I'm always waiting for them to turn on me. It'll happen sooner or later. Still, at the end of the day, I desperately want to trust someone, be the open person I used to be. I've changed so much I'm barely me anymore. I know that without solving this problem I'll never be as close to anyone as I once was, I'll never open my heart to anyone.