I'm sorry for everything, I truly am. I never meant for any of this to happen. For those of you that I've hurt in the course of my worthless life, I only hope you can forgive me in the future, despite how unlikely that is.
I'm so fucking sorry.
Sunday, April 30, 2006
Tuesday, April 18, 2006
Random thoughts
I'm sitting in RMPS, working for the first time this year. I've been told I need to have handed in my final draft of the dissertation in a few days. I haven't finished my first draft. I'm not even close to finishing it! It's not really a surprise to me that I'm going to fail.
I am working, but I'm finding it very difficult to keep my concentration, which is why I'm writing this post. I'm hoping that if I express my feelings slightly, I'll be able to work better. I'm just feeling really sad. I've been pretty depressed for a while now, and although I'm not going into the details of it, I'm hoping things will get better soon. I'm listening to The Band Played Waltzing Matilda, by the Pogues, which probably isn't the best song to be listening to right now! Still, it's beautiful.
I'm dreading leaving school, whilst not being able to wait! I know I'll feel a lot better about things once I go to uni, but it's so scary leaving the security blanket that is school. I guess it's something everyone has to face at some point in their lives, and it's my turn next month.
I haven't really decided if I want to keep in touch with my school friends. There are some people I will definitely be in solid touch with, but others I would prefer to just send the odd email to. It's too ambitious to think you'll know everyone perfectly once you leave school. Your life moves on so dramatically, you meet new friends, and will find it more difficult to keep in touch. With people still in school, I will be in a completely different stage of my life, and will probably find it difficult to communicate with them properly. And with my friends that are in university, they'll be meeting new people, like I will, and we'll get too caught up in our newfound lives to bother with each other. It can be a sad thought, but it's inevitable. And I doubt it's healthy to stay still and refuse to change in line with the changes that are happening.
I used to want to stay in touch with everyone, like I'd never left school, but I've come to realise this as a pipe-dream. And now that I understand that there will be people I say my final goodbye to next month, it doesn't bother me as much. It's all part and parcle of life.
And to all you people I will say goodbye to, thanks for being my friend. I know I'll never forget you, because you've all had such an impact on my life.
I am working, but I'm finding it very difficult to keep my concentration, which is why I'm writing this post. I'm hoping that if I express my feelings slightly, I'll be able to work better. I'm just feeling really sad. I've been pretty depressed for a while now, and although I'm not going into the details of it, I'm hoping things will get better soon. I'm listening to The Band Played Waltzing Matilda, by the Pogues, which probably isn't the best song to be listening to right now! Still, it's beautiful.
I'm dreading leaving school, whilst not being able to wait! I know I'll feel a lot better about things once I go to uni, but it's so scary leaving the security blanket that is school. I guess it's something everyone has to face at some point in their lives, and it's my turn next month.
I haven't really decided if I want to keep in touch with my school friends. There are some people I will definitely be in solid touch with, but others I would prefer to just send the odd email to. It's too ambitious to think you'll know everyone perfectly once you leave school. Your life moves on so dramatically, you meet new friends, and will find it more difficult to keep in touch. With people still in school, I will be in a completely different stage of my life, and will probably find it difficult to communicate with them properly. And with my friends that are in university, they'll be meeting new people, like I will, and we'll get too caught up in our newfound lives to bother with each other. It can be a sad thought, but it's inevitable. And I doubt it's healthy to stay still and refuse to change in line with the changes that are happening.
I used to want to stay in touch with everyone, like I'd never left school, but I've come to realise this as a pipe-dream. And now that I understand that there will be people I say my final goodbye to next month, it doesn't bother me as much. It's all part and parcle of life.
And to all you people I will say goodbye to, thanks for being my friend. I know I'll never forget you, because you've all had such an impact on my life.
Monday, April 17, 2006
I love Scott Walker (3)
If time were not a moving thing
And I could make it stay
This hour of love we share
Would always be
There'd be no coming day
To shine a morning light
And make us realize our night is over
And when you walk away from me
There is no place to put my hand
Except to shade my eyes against the sun
That rises over the land
I watch you walk away
Somehow I have to let you go
Cause it's over
If you knew just how I feel
You might return and yet
There are so many times
That people have to love and then forget
There might have been a way somehow
I have to force myself to say
It's over
And so I turn my back,
I turn my collar to the wind
I walk along in silence
Trying not to think at all
I set my feet before me
Walk the silent street before me
Cause it's over
It's over
Friday, April 14, 2006
I love Scott Walker (2)
What was it like when we were young
Sleeping in eachothers arms
Walking in eachothers dreams
Was it only yesterday
I've forgotten anyway
What was it like to hear your name
Where's the girl that I once knew
Running home thru winter parks
Arm in Arm and heart in heart
Now like children in the dark
We hold hands and watch the rain
When you kissed my eyes awake
Running mornings crowded streets
Just to find we've missed our bus
but we'd laugh , kiss, what the hell
When you'd burst in from the rain
Clasp my head between your hands,
kiss away the darkest day
Always there to understand.
You could make me proud again
Now I go aimlessly at night
Sleep with faces I don't know
Always coming back to you
and the shadows of this room
I must search you eyes again
Just to find that they are dead
Always coming back to you
Sleeping in eachothers arms
Walking in eachothers dreams
Was it only yesterday
I've forgotten anyway
What was it like to hear your name
Where's the girl that I once knew
Running home thru winter parks
Arm in Arm and heart in heart
Now like children in the dark
We hold hands and watch the rain
When you kissed my eyes awake
Running mornings crowded streets
Just to find we've missed our bus
but we'd laugh , kiss, what the hell
When you'd burst in from the rain
Clasp my head between your hands,
kiss away the darkest day
Always there to understand.
You could make me proud again
Now I go aimlessly at night
Sleep with faces I don't know
Always coming back to you
and the shadows of this room
I must search you eyes again
Just to find that they are dead
Always coming back to you
I love Scott Walker (1)
If you go away
On this summer day
Then you might as well
Take the sun away
All the birds that flew
In the summer sky
When our love was new
And our hearts were high
And the day was young
And the night was long
And the moon stood still
For the night bird's song
If you go away
But if you stay
I'll make you a day
Like no day has been
Or will be again
We'll sail the sun
We'll ride on the rain
And talk to the trees
And worship the wind
Then if you go
I'll understand
Leave me just enough love
To fill up my hand
If you go away
As I know you will
You must tell the world
To stop turning, turning
'til you return again
If you ever do
For what good is love
Without loving you?
Can I tell you now
As you turn to go
I'll be dying slowly
'til the next hello
But if you stay
I'll make you a night
Like no night has been
Or will be again
I'll sail on your smile
I'll glide on your touch
I'll talk to your eyes
That I love so much
But if you go
I won't cry
Though the good is gone
From the word
Goodbye
If you go away
As I know you must
There'll be nothing left
In this world to trust
Just an empty room
Full of empty space
Like the empty look
I see on your face
And I'd have been the shadow
Of your shadow
If it might have kept me
By your side
On this summer day
Then you might as well
Take the sun away
All the birds that flew
In the summer sky
When our love was new
And our hearts were high
And the day was young
And the night was long
And the moon stood still
For the night bird's song
If you go away
But if you stay
I'll make you a day
Like no day has been
Or will be again
We'll sail the sun
We'll ride on the rain
And talk to the trees
And worship the wind
Then if you go
I'll understand
Leave me just enough love
To fill up my hand
If you go away
As I know you will
You must tell the world
To stop turning, turning
'til you return again
If you ever do
For what good is love
Without loving you?
Can I tell you now
As you turn to go
I'll be dying slowly
'til the next hello
But if you stay
I'll make you a night
Like no night has been
Or will be again
I'll sail on your smile
I'll glide on your touch
I'll talk to your eyes
That I love so much
But if you go
I won't cry
Though the good is gone
From the word
Goodbye
If you go away
As I know you must
There'll be nothing left
In this world to trust
Just an empty room
Full of empty space
Like the empty look
I see on your face
And I'd have been the shadow
Of your shadow
If it might have kept me
By your side
Tuesday, April 04, 2006
Back again
I know I haven't written for a while, I haven't had the energy nor the will. Sometimes with diary's, they become so associated with bad things that you can't return to them, but I'm trying not to let this happen again.
Sad to say things haven't improved much since my last post, except that I'm starting to cope with my loss. The day after my nana died, me and Jack broke up. This really broke my heart, and I still love him very much. Though I doubt he can say the same for me!
I want to thank everyone for the support over the last couple of months, I don't know if I would have made it without you all.
Sad to say things haven't improved much since my last post, except that I'm starting to cope with my loss. The day after my nana died, me and Jack broke up. This really broke my heart, and I still love him very much. Though I doubt he can say the same for me!
I want to thank everyone for the support over the last couple of months, I don't know if I would have made it without you all.
If you didn't see my myspace...
Answer as best you can. Thankee!
1. Who are you?
2. Are we friends?
3. When and how did we meet?
4. How have I affected you?
5. What do you think of me?
6. What's the fondest memory you have of me?
7. How long do you think we will be friends?
8. Do you love me?
9. Do you have a crush on me?
10. Would you kiss me?
11. Would you hug me?
12. Physically, what stands out?
13. Emotionally, what stands out?
14. Do you wish I was cooler?
15. On a scale of 1-10, how hot am I?
16. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.
17. Am I loveable?
18. How long have you known me?
19. Describe me in one word.
20. What was your first impression?
21. Do you still think that way about me now?
22. What do you think my weakness is?
23. Do you think I'll get married?
24. What makes me happy?
25. What makes me sad?
26. What reminds you of me?
27. If you could give me anything what would it be?
28. How well do you know me?
29. When's the last time you saw me?
30. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?
31. Do you think I could kill someone?
32. Do you miss me?
33. Do you think i miss you?
34. Are you going to put this on your MYSPACE and see what I say about you?
1. Who are you?
2. Are we friends?
3. When and how did we meet?
4. How have I affected you?
5. What do you think of me?
6. What's the fondest memory you have of me?
7. How long do you think we will be friends?
8. Do you love me?
9. Do you have a crush on me?
10. Would you kiss me?
11. Would you hug me?
12. Physically, what stands out?
13. Emotionally, what stands out?
14. Do you wish I was cooler?
15. On a scale of 1-10, how hot am I?
16. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.
17. Am I loveable?
18. How long have you known me?
19. Describe me in one word.
20. What was your first impression?
21. Do you still think that way about me now?
22. What do you think my weakness is?
23. Do you think I'll get married?
24. What makes me happy?
25. What makes me sad?
26. What reminds you of me?
27. If you could give me anything what would it be?
28. How well do you know me?
29. When's the last time you saw me?
30. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?
31. Do you think I could kill someone?
32. Do you miss me?
33. Do you think i miss you?
34. Are you going to put this on your MYSPACE and see what I say about you?
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