Ah yes, the power of avoidance! Suppressing your feelings works a damn treat, there are some times in which you can't, but suppression is still the best way forward in general. Why face something today what you can face tomorrow? :P Procrastination has always been my friend and why give up the habit of a lifetime? Since I can't seem to get over him, I'll do exactly what I did after we broke up, repress it all. Maybe one day I'll face it. Still, it makes it difficult to be with other men. I'm seeing someone and have a couple of dates coming up, one of which is with John James! Haven't seen him in years, should be a good laugh. Although I know this is a positive step, I can't put my heart into it. I want to be with someone else and truly care about them, but how can you feel that way about a man when your heart is completely devoted to someone else? I suppose I'll have to puzzle this one out, because I have no intention of being the crazy old bag lady with 50 cats that all the kids are scared of. In all of the relationships I've been in since him, I've been so distant. My ex even broke up with me because of it!
I hate not being able to trust anyone, but I've never had any reason to trust. Basically everyone I've ever known has turned against me, most won't even tell me why. Some have been because of mistakes I've made, and I concede that, but with others it's all rumour. People I called my closest friends, trusted with secrets no one will ever know again, turned their backs on me because of rumours they'd heard about me. I thought they knew me well enough to know a rumour when they heard it, but it just affirms my belief that people are scum. I won't trust anyone so easily again, even the friends I have now that think I trust them because I tell them things, I'm always waiting for them to turn on me. It'll happen sooner or later. Still, at the end of the day, I desperately want to trust someone, be the open person I used to be. I've changed so much I'm barely me anymore. I know that without solving this problem I'll never be as close to anyone as I once was, I'll never open my heart to anyone.
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Oh no! You mean repression doesn't work long-term?! I've been terrified that that's the case. I'm pretty much fucked then. Why face at all what you can avoid facing most of the time? In fact I'm just scared of there being something to face.
p.s. John James! The only time I've ever met him is the night he (not John James, obviously!) and I got together. How's that for... something to say? I'm still para about people reading this, as if it weren't obvious enough.
p.p.s. I forgot to tell you the thing I had to tell you! Remind me to tell you.
Why don't you just text me? :O I'm paranoid about people reading it as well, but it doesn't really matter at the end of the day.
Unfortunately repression doesn't work long time :( I had sooo hoped it would!!
YOU ARE FUCKING KIDDING ME.
Maybe I should just delete this now. I don't know. What do you think?
I'd say don't. It's not going to happen again - that much I know.
I've taken your advice, I'm not going to delete it, I've made it private though. Just so no one else can find it.
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