The last couple of months have been a dark, yet spiritual, time. I've isolated myself in every way and thought a lot about what I want and what I need. So many questions I've been contemplating, and only now have I found the answers. It occurs to me how idiotic I was not to have seen them when they were staring me in the face, but perhaps I wasn't ready to know. These were things I had to come to in my own time, when ready for them, although I don't think I would ever have been truly ready. What I learnt, what I understood, I've always known deep down, but have avoided until the time was right.
All the signs pointed to my need to retreat from the world and take time to reflect, and for a long time I didn't see the point since nothing seemed to be happening. I uncovered some repressed memories, realised the extent of my pain, but wasn't healing from any of it. It wasn't the right time though, this is a hard journey and an even harder lesson to learn. It's been a period of self doubt, of loneliness, of hope and then of hopelessness, but I don't think it's been for naught. I can feel myself changing and maybe I'll grow as a person, after the barren wilderness and hibernation. Maybe I'm in transition. I have a long road ahead of me though, it won't be easy. The one truly positive thing I can say right now is that I'm realising it is possible for me to move on, despite the hardship and the hurt it causes me.
In fact, this has all been one long journey. I started by repressing my feelings, almost immediately after it happened, and for a long time I wondered why I couldn't feel anything for him or the time we had together, how I had gotten over it so quickly. I thought to myself, surely I would take something away from this? Even if just a warm feeling when looking back on what we had? Instead I felt cold, disconnected from it all. Obviously I realised the truth a few months ago, all that love and all that pain hadn't gone anywhere, and it came flooding back like a burst dam. After feeling the inital effects of that, which were quite brutal in their intensity, the denial came in. The desperate hope that everything could be made right again. I ignored all the signs that told me I had to move on, because I just couldn't see it as a possibility, I felt like I could wait till the ends of the earth for him. I'm now past that stage, and as difficult as it is, I know what I need to do. I have no idea how long it'll take, or how I'll cope with it, but I'll manage somehow. I've never felt like this before, it's a whole new ballpark for me, and it's enough to put me off love forever, but I know I'll pull it together and be able to start afresh.
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I thought I'd reached that point after he basically told me there was no chance of getting back together, but a month later hope is somehow creeping back in. I'm lost in it.
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