There's no title that could sum up this moment in time, this utter horror that seems to have taken hold. Some people pestered me about writing another blog post, well here it is. Fresh off the press.

As wonderful as this time of year is already, what with the anniversary of Keiran's death, the 17th. Another event has been added to the list. The death of my most wonderful nana. It's been on the cards, I know it has, but I can't cope. Especially not right now, what with my mum's operation and Keiran. This is turning into another shitty year.

Right now I can't do much apart from sit. When I stand, my legs collapse under me. I cried my eyes out and now I'm just in utter shock. She was a mum to me my whole life, she brought me up. She was always there for me, and did everything she possibly could for me. And now she's gone.

I can't believe it.

Another test. Oh deary.

You are a Social Liberal (75% permissive) and an... Economic Liberal (25% permissive) You are best described as a: Strong Democrat Link: The Politics Test on Ok Cupid Also: The OkCupid Dating Persona Test

Perhaps more interesting than the other tests that litter my blog.

New Year

Inspired by David's blog, I decided to write my own experience of 2005. My verdict is that it was mixed. Extremely so, with amazing highs and horrendous lows. The beginning of the year was absolutely awful. I started the year with the death of one of the people closest to my heart, and I doubt I will ever get over it. And to be honest, things didn't improve that much after that. One of the things I am most thankful for though, is the friends that I've found. I can't imagine life without them anymore, and you all mean a hell of a lot to me.
Another extreme low was me and Joseph breaking up. That broke my heart, well and truly, but yet something so amazing happened from it. Me and Jack got together. I am so happy that we did, and hopefully he feels the same :P
I loved all the summer legion meets! They were amazing! Cinema trips and blind fighting!! I vouch for another summer of us all hanging out, not just in out little groups, although that too obviously.
Summer was also the home of the best time of the year, the camping trip!! It was perfect. Especially that night with "the song", the stars and the sea. Indescribable.
Ah, then came 6th year. The best year by far. Personal relationships with teachers, coffee and biscuits, the occasional slice of cake. Treated like an adult, which doesn't happen in any other year. The work even becomes interesting!
My God, life in the past few months has been insane, in a good way of course! Lots of parties, and spending the night in the freezing cold, wandering about in Glasgow, and ending up in Buchanan Street Bus Station at 5am, barely able to move or talk with the cold. Lots of strange things have happened, including spin the bottle truth or dare, nakedness and pouring wax on people's bodies. So far there have been no orgies, but it's not out of the question :P

What a year.

Closer!!!

ZOMG I love this song. Nine Inch Nails are da bomb. Well, sometimes. Another good song is Even Deeper *cough*

"I wanna fuck you like an animal... I wanna feel you from the inside."

What fun :P

Another random

These random contacts sometimes turn out to be complete weirdos. My most recent encounter is with someone of unknown gender or location who believes that sex is fundamentally wrong. That it is only for perverts. This is just so...infuriating. How can the most natural act in the world be wrong? The very basis of and creation of life is wrong? Gah, this has annoyed me.

It's fun as well!!

More Results...

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free. In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved. You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring. You would be forced to break up with someone who was insecure and in constant need of reassurance. Your ideal relationship is comforting. You crave a relationship where you always feel warmth and love. Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment. You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred. In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

Your Daddy Is Johnny Depp

What You Call Him: Pops Why You Love Him: He knows best

Who's Your Daddy?

Your Birth Month is July

Introspective and intense, you tend to be a deep thinker. You are quiet and spiritual - and you have a unique perspective on life. Your soul reflects: Lightness, luck and an open heart Your gemstone: Ruby Your flower: Larkspur Your colors: Green and red

What Does Your Birth Month Mean?

Your Band Name is:

The Hard-drinkin' Twins

Band Name Generator

Heehee.

The Other Side

I wonder what it's like. If there is anything once you die. Sometimes I feel like there must be, your soul can't just disappear, but then again it seems so naiive to believe that. I ask people that don't believe in a soul to look at someone, a random person, and tell me that there is nothing more to them than electrical impulses and organs. That they are a robot. So far no one has been able to admit it. They'd have to be a complete pessimist to say that and I'm glad I've never met someone that depressing.

Prepare yourself.

I was really bored and wrote a poem. Don't be too harsh, I just wrote things down as they came into my head and I know it's shit.

Start to think, pain all through.
When you try and try, and it's got you.
Nothing you can do.
Except surrender to the few.
That scream and cry in the night.
Don't go without a fight.

Never live without a death.
Fight till the very last breath.
Know you can do it, in the face of all hell.
Feel the flames and ring the bell.
Signal the time for new hope to arise.
Swarming like flies to the light in the skies.

Living in a bin with hobos attacking my feet

Is that what the future holds? Apart from the fact that it would be funny, and I would have to find the whole legion to tell them about it, it doesn't sound particularly appealing. It's strange that you have no real control over the future, you can never know what's going to happen, and yet we plan endlessly, desperate for some kind of foothold. I'm hoping to go to university next year, but anything could happen between now and then. I could die, there could be a major war, I could become a helpless alchoholic junky living in a bin with hobos attacking my feet.

It's truly amazing how things turn out. Things you would never even suspect happen, and throw you completely off course. Why make definite plans? If you can't anticipate the future then you're just making vague gestures towards an abyss, a world that is dark to you. Maybe it's better to let things happen and to work towards something you want, don't be definite about anything. It's too easy to get hurt that way when things don't work out like you expect. I find this concept difficult because my world relies on the plans that I make. In day to day life to 30 years from now. Always planning a future I don't know exists.

Self Esteem...

Results of your Self-Esteem Test
your score = 25

What does your score mean?

This likely comes as no surprise to you, but you have relatively low self-esteem. Your answers on the test showed a lot of doubt about your own abilities, lack of self-love and some attitudes and beliefs that are contributing to your confidence problem.

Friday Night in Glasgow :/

Hmm, this didn't work out like I'd planned. In Beanscene, me, Harrison, David and Nikita were talking about how there has to be a sleepover tonight, but no one could have it. Harrison came up with the suggestion that we should walk around Glasgow all night... I thought it was a good idea, and told my mum that I was going to a sleepover! Turns out everyone else is a shitload smarter and aren't going because they'd rather be in bed. I wouldn't rather be in bed, I've been at home too much recently. The only person I know who would still be up for it is Harrison and I don't know if he'll bother if no one else is going.

Even if he's not going, I'm not going home. I will wander the lonely streets till the dawn, contemplating the world and my very existence...

Bullshit, I'll probably turn up on someone's doorstep like a beggar, asking for a place to stay.

Hmm

I was going to write a huge post, but in the end I really can't be bothered. It was all about the future, decisions, breakdowns, your basic soap opera.

Who actually watches that mind numbing crap? I avoid TV as a rule, so I don't get infected.

I started reading Edith's blog, and she's right, Closer by NIN is a really sexy song. Very horneh!

Yes, I'm slightly hyper, but you know what, I'M LOVIN IT!

More quizzes...as if you cared...

Your Heart Is Pink

In relationships, you like to play innocent - even though you aren't. Each time you fall in love, it's like falling for the first time. Your flirting style: Coy Your lucky first date: Picnic in the park Your dream lover: Is both caring and dominant What you bring to relationships: Romance

What Color Heart Do You Have?

Your Ideal Relationship is Casual Dating

Maybe you're looking for love... But mostly you're looking for fun. You could get serious with the right person. For now, though, you're enjoying playing the field.

What's Your Ideal Relationship?

More tales of Aisling. All of mine till now have made me look like a heathen whore...

Fuckity fuck fuck

My gran is getting so much worse, it can't possibly be much longer... I wish I had bought her a birthday present this year, but if she lives till Christmas then I'll do something really nice for her, because she definitely won't be around next time. I can't even let myself think like that, it was too painful to see her today never mind having a fatalist mentality as well.

Man, this has been a shit weekend. I've been so confused about things, and I just couldn't stop thinking!! Thinking is a curse, I'd rather be a bug.

Graffle.

Another quiz...

Your Sexy Halloween Costume Is

Sexy Nurse

What Sexy Halloween Costume Are You?

You Are an Appletini

Most of the time, you're a typical party girl / guy. But when you get super sauced, you really up your sex appeal.

What Mixed Drink Are You?

w00t!!

Family?

God, family can be a gift and a curse. On the one hand, they are the people you will always love, and in theory you will stick together (although, in my experience, it's not always the case). They can be the most hurtful people, yet they can make you feel so much better about things.

They truly epitomise the term, "love/hate relationship".

My movie genre? Pffft.

Erotic Thriller

You've made your own rules in life - and sometimes that catches up with you. Winding a web of deceit comes naturally, and no one really knows the true you. Your best movie matches: Swimming Pool, Unfaithful, The Crush

If Your Life Was a Movie, What Genre Would It Be?

You must be kidding me...

Harry Potter (SPOILER ALERT)

I saw Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire tonight. I can't believe everyone enjoyed it so much. It was an alright film, but there's far too many holes to pick with it than I can write, or can be bothered writing.

For one thing, what was with the lack of plot and character development? Things weren't explained, and the characters motives in situations weren't even touched on. One of the major omissions was the Snape and the Death Eaters storyline. For one thing, in the book, the sense of evil and suspicion permeates the story. Anyone around you could be a Death Eater, they were working inside the Ministry, Snape had been a Death Eater and was working inside Hogwarts. All this was underplayed, and the sense of impending doom and evil was lost. The Death Eaters were needed to show the the power of Voldemort, not just in that he had an secret police, but that these people, fearsome in themselves, cowered under the mere look of the Dark Lord.

I felt that the book truly portayed the evil, and the feeling of Voldemort's growing power, but in the film, the entire story was about the Triwizard Tournament, and Harry, Ron and Hemione's angsty teenage issues.

With the intense plot in the book, and super intense sub-plots, the film was a joke. To think the ENTIRE Barty Crouch Senior and Junior storyline was just abandoned. As was Moody's past. Why was he called insane? You don't find out. Cedric Diggory's death was undramatic, whereas in the actual story, it was a huge deal, and very heart wrenching. I could go so in depth into what this film was lacking, even as a film in it's own right it didn't answer so many of it's questions.

The Goblet of Fire is pivotal to the series, as it acts as the foundation of the books to come. The previous issues have been a prologue, they've been teaching you about the past and the characters, so you understand the real story still to come. The fourth in the series is the beginning of the story, and lays down the structure for the rest, and with it done in such a shallow way, I can't imagine how the next film will be redeemed.

The director was sadly lacking I found. He focused too much on the human issues, and not enough on the real plot. As such it came across as undeveloped and the tension wasn't built up in the slightest. My personal opinion is that he would fare better in a real life drama, not a fantasy film. I think if Peter Jackson had been directing, things would have turned out infinitely better. He has experience in adapting books to films, and does it amazingly well. He understands fantasy, and doesn't make it all about CGI, instead uses it to enhance the movie. I hope to god he is involved in The Order of the Phoenix. It would be perfect for him.

So much I haven't said, and I can't be bothered. I've bored you all enough anyway. Anyone's who's still reading this gets a hug.

?!?$£!%?&!?!

Really fucking angry right now... I don't know why though, although I have reasons, they're petty and stupid. I hate being like this, it drains me and I usually get really unhappy after it.

This blog must be getting more boring all the time, either that or everyone has stopped reading it, which I couldn't blame you for. It's a steaming pile of shit. I would spit on it if I could. But since it's about me, then you should spit on me for bringing it into the world.

Tempting to delete it, but I won't because I would probably regret it later.


I need to calm down, but I don't want to because then I would just get upset.

Grah....for want of a better word.

I'm so tired... I need to stay online for a little bit though, because this is the first time I've actually been bothered to make progress with my UCAS application. I'm not sure what courses I'm taking, but I was very happy to find out that you don't apply to the RSAMD through UCAS, you apply directly! That means I can apply there and still have another 6 options! I'm going for the Acting course in the QMUC as well.

I may be granted allowances for bad personal circumstances affecting my grades last year, so I've emailed a few universities asking what they're stand would be. Hope I get in.

Mmmmm... Philosophy and Politics at Glasgow uni...