Living fast and dying young

The past catches up to you in odd ways and at odd times. It's always when you least expect it. Things you thought were long gone, deep and buried, resurface just to destroy you all over again with the memory of what you once had.

It's never a good idea to look back, in fact it's something I religiously avoid if I can help it. It becomes painful to know that something you had long ago was the high point of your life so far, but it's so far gone and can never be retrieved. Cut to the present day - an empty shell of a life. It looks good from the outisde, things always do, who can dispute the life of a party animal. New experiences, new people, new life filled with adventures. Alcohol, drugs, partying and knowing everyone you need to know for the purposes of living it to the full.

Knowing everyone but having no close friends, sleeping with people but having no connection to any of them. An empty life, devoid of human contact but full of shallow pleasures. These get you only so far, before the lack of anything real, anything to hold and call your own, becomes an overwhelming loneliness.

A sharp comparison is made between the life you had and the life you live, one filled with true happiness you felt could never die, one filled with happiness that lasts as long as the cocaine high.

It's been a while

I seriously doubt anyone reads this, but I'll post anyway.

I had a great week up until Thursday night. I was in a new relationship with a sweet, lovely guy who I really liked. Who randomly ended things and didn't give me a reason! Why do people do that? It's only fair that the person knows why the relationship isn't working out, especially if they dump you completely out the blue. Oh well, I hadn't intended to get into a relationship this year, or at least for a while, so maybe this is for the best.

The truth of the matter

I read Harrison's blog post, and it made me think. He was a hermit for a week and now he's understanding things much better, whereas I have been a hermit for months and have just made myself feel worse.

I need to sort myself and my life out. I don't know where I'm going, what I'm doing, or how to even begin working it out, but I need to do something. My mind has been a mash of feelings, altering every second from optimistic to terminally bad. The anti-depressants I've been taking have helped a little bit, but I have a long way to go. I have a feeling that following in Harrison's footsteps and taking a break from the world for a week might be an idea, but instead of wallowing like before, I will use the time constructively. There are things I need to fully understand, nothing will go back to the way they were. Everything's changing around me, and I need to make a happy reality within the changes. Move on with my life, and keep the past where it belongs.

Fired from my job!

Long story which I can't be bothered writing about. I filed my claim for the dole today though, I was on the phone for an hour, answering all these questions about savings, income, rent and many more fascinating subjects. I have an interview at the job centre next week, hopefully it'll all be sorted out quickly since I can't actually afford to eat.

I need to get in touch with Bamboo to find out if they've sorted out my P45 so I can get my emergency tax back. I also need them to send me out my final pay slip for my dole interview, and write me an official letter telling me I've been fired (woo). Hopefully when I'm officially on Jobseekers Allowance the Housing Benefit will stop trying to get me and my mum to pay rent, we are exempt from such things due to the distinctly unemployed state of my household.

Possibly the most boring blog post anyone has ever written, but this is what is going on in my life right now. I feel all growed up, facing the shittiness of the world :D

p.s. I'm thinking about going back to university next year, and am investigating my options. Chances are I'll apply to study Acting at the RSAMD.

New job

I got a job, even if it is a shit one. I basically work every night from 10pm to 4am, so I won't have a social life until I quit! It's better than nothing I suppose, even if it does only pay £4.45 an hour...

Still, looking on the bright side, I'll have more money, and I will have bar experience so I can soon apply somewhere else!

Eureka!

Well, I'm leaving university. Realisation hit earlier today, when I had allowed myself for one moment to seriously consider that possibility. Given my worsening mental state, I am taking measures to ensure I am as happy as possible, and that means cutting ties with anything that is bringing me down.

Easier said than done.

By leaving university, I will be subject to an avalanche of disappointment from my family, which will be difficult to deal with, but some things are just necessary. I will go on the dole until I get a job, which will give me an extra £45 a week, and will start paying off some of my more immediate debt. I hope I'm making the right decision.

The new frontier

Lovely little green and white pills. One a day and your cares fly away! A month of guaranteed happiness ahead with these miracles of science. Can you feel my joy? No, I didn't think so.

And then there were two

Since my first one just got the basics out the way, and I couldn't think of any questions at the time for it, here's a brand spanking new one for the more advanced friend, with difficult questions galore :P

Click here, bitch

Quizzy quiz quiz quizzy quiz.............quiz

I made one of those silly quiz thingies, and no one will get it right! MUHAHAHA!!! Okay, maybe they will. Doubtful though. Face your doooom...

General offloading

Good things come and go, as is the way of life, but I've been lucky so far. Nothing terrible has happened so far this year, and although there is still plenty of time for that to rectify itself, I'm fairly optimistic. Despite this, I seem to have fallen into a bit of a slump recently. Stress, sadness and insomnia have taken hold more than I would care to admit. This blog, which I use so rarely now, is a good way to express these things, even if I don't go into the gorier of the details.

I suppose the main source of my stress would be university. I wish I could quit without the feeling of having failed myself, and without the severe disappointment that it would cause my family. I deal with this stress in the worst possible way, by simply not turning up for classes. This, of course, adds to it substantially. The amount of coursework due in the next couple of weeks, presentations, reports, etc, and not having been to any of the relevant classes, and therefore having no idea what I'm going to do.

Well, there's not much to say apart from that. Or, indeed, not much I'm willing to say to the general public. I should try and sleep now, 'try' being the operative word. Wish me luck in this endeavour.

New Year!

Happy new Year!!!! :D I've started the new year very well, with friends whom I love, and an amazing boyfriend. I really couldn't be happier, and I hope it stays that way :)












That is all.

Friday/Saturday post

I forgot, I was going to write a quick post about Friday night and Saturday.

Bo's room is quite possibly the best place in existence! Her room is actually a tent. It is a tent. Good grief. There was quite a lot of booze, and for the first time in months, I got drunk! Harrison got wasted, as did Bo, those lucky bastards.

We all played spin the bottle >_< I know how immature it is, but it was a laugh. I got off with Dean and Bo, Harrison and Dean got off twice, Gavin and Caitlin, Gavin and Bo, Gavin and Dean. In fact, Gavin's just a big hoe! That's right, you heard me, Gavin! It was a generally really good night, and Saturday was brilliant. Everyone was just lazing around, watching South Park, etc. Liam took Nikita home, then came back with masses of crisps, mini rolls, jammy dodgers, pepsi, etc! Ooooh, we were happy.

Anyhoo, here are some Saturday morning/afternoon pictures.

Me and Harrison

Gavin looking sweeeeet :P

This is an awful picture

Bo and Liam, ain't they adorable?

General mess

Bo and Caitlin looking lovely

Me looking desperately for a lighter

Bo told me to hold this pose!

Gavin is a big blue slug

How you doin'?

Shmokin'

An idiotic post

How do you motivate yourself to do work? I try and scare myself into working by thinking about how badly I'll fail if I don't, but it just puts me off more. I need to write my 1000 words for the group report by 1pm this afternoon. It's 11:18am and I haven't even started. It's quite possible I'll be killed by the rest of the group, since, unlike Janice, who's got a lot of shit going on just now, I have no reason for not writing it. I also have a presentation to do on Thursday, and unfortunately for me, it's on last week's subject material, which I just happened to miss because I'm lazy and couldn't be bothered going in. I was sure I'd take university seriously, but apparently I'm just not a working person. Not good.

Yes, I know, I'm procrastinating by writing this post. I decided to write a post about work I have to do instead of actually doing it. I'm stupid, okay?

SCANDAL!!!!!!!!1111one

Erm, yes. Well, another post is here, so you can all stop crying, I know how you missed me. And if you didn't, this uzi in my hand will make sure you change your mind pretty damn fast.

There is a new scandal, so brace yourselves! And yes, again, it involves me. Is it just me or is my life a bloody soap opera? Full of death, tears, scandal and bright shiny happy moments. There really ought to be more of that last one though :P I'm sure plenty of people will bitch about me a lot, or should I say, more than usual, about this, but I'm going out with Harrison now. Deal with it how you will! Unless it involves murder. That's probably not the best solution.

I actually have nothing particular to say in this post, I just felt I should make one since it's been quite a while. Well, ciao for now. Got to go start some uni work :/

The Past

I'm really depressed right now, and it's because I've just been plunged into the past. I hadn't realised just how far behind me the legion was, and unfortunately when I think of all my times there, my major impression is a bad one. It was a wonderful thing, though, and I made some amazing friends there. Some of which I hope to keep for a long time. Raymond and Dave want a big Legion reunion, with everyone from the original legion there. I think this is an obviously ridiculous notion, but they thinks it could work. For saying I didn't want to spend the day with people I dislike, I was told I was immature. I don't see how though, for all the other things I could be doing, I choose it reliving the past with a group of people I have no interest in repairing my friendships with. Is it so immature? In economics, we learn about something called "Opportunity cost". The opportunity cost is what you give up to do something else. For example, I could spend the day with the old legion, or I could study (hahaha). If I chose the legion, my opportunity cost would be studying. And to be honest, studying sounds more fun.

When I look back, I feel so sad. I only just realised how distant and old the memories are to me, I've been through so much since then, and I feel a lot older. It's strange how much a few months can do to a person.

I should forget about the past again, like I did before, and continue the way things are going. There's no point in getting depressed about an old life.

The obligatory party post

Well, Dave's party on Saturday was mostly fun. I stayed pretty much entirely sober the whole night, which was shit, but I'll make up for it another time. There laughing, music, alchohol and a generally good time. I got extremely bored and a bit depressed when it got to about midnight because everyone was already so drunk they were passing out, and Nikita, Hayley and Anna were out walking. Just as I'd decided to go to my dad's, lo and behold, things got interesting! I was forewarned by Dave and Hayley before I left the house that Nikita was "fucked" and they refused to say anything more about it, except "you'll see". Well, the rest of the night is history. I was looking after Nikita for most of it, since he couldn't even walk. He may not have been able to walk, but he could do other things :P I was going to write all about it on here, but it's too cruel, so I won't. I would make a shit journalist! Sufficed to say he's a pervert :P I will relay one particular exchange, though you won't see how funny it is, simply because it's being printed. It was in Dave's aunt and uncle's en suite bathroom...

Me: Do you want me to leave? You look like you're going to sleep.
Nikita: Nonono......quite the opposite.......nnmughflmmm...
Me: What do you mean?
Nikita: I need you to stop me...mnugslkidng....
Me: Stop you?
Nikita: Frommm giving into my carnal desires...
Me: What?!
Nikita: Stop me in the pursuit of seexxxx....yushoasnf....
Me: So...you want me to stop you from being horny?
Nikita: NO!!! I'M NOT HORNY!!!
Nikita: ...I'm neveerrr horny....
Me: That's a lie.
Nikita: Mudhgigionkmmmmdjighkm.............

Anyhoo, it was a fun night, except when everyone was throwing up.







This was a half arsed post.

Yes, more lyrics

Sorry people, I've just been in a lyrics posting mood. This is Sail Away by David Gray.

Sail away with me honey
I put my heart in your hands
Sail away with me honey now, now, now
Sail away with me
What will be will be
I wanna hold you now

Crazy skies all wild above me now
Winter howling at my face
And everything i held so dear
Disappeared without a trace
Oh all the times i've tasted love
Never knew quite what i had
Little darling if you hear me now
Never needed you so bad
Spinning round inside my head

Sail away with me honey
I put my heart in your hands
Sail away with me honey now, now, now
Sail away with me

What will be will be
I wanna hold you now

I've been talking drunken gibberish
Falling in and out of bars
Trying to find some explanation here
For the way some people are
How did it ever come so far

Sail away with me honey
I put my heart in your hands
Sail away with me honey now, now, now
Sail away with me
What will be will be
I wanna hold you now
Sail away with me honey
I put my heart in your hands
Sail away with me honey now, now, now
Sail away with me
What will be will be
I wanna hold you now

Repeat chorus

Wicked Game

I've just recently gotten back into this song, it's beautiful.

The world was on fire and no one could save me but you,
It's strange what desire will make foolish people do.
I never dreamed that I'd meet somebody like you
I never dreamed that I'd lose somebody like you

No, I don't want to fall in love,
[This world is only gonna break your heart]
No, I don't want to fall in love,
[This world is only gonna break your heart]
With you
With you

What a wicked game to play,
To make me feel this way.
What a wicked thing to do,
To let me dream of you.
What a wicked thing to say,
You never felt this way.
What a wicked thing to do,
To make me dream of you.

No I don't want to fall in love,
[This world is only gonna break your heart
No I don't want to fall in love,
[This world is only gonna break your heart]
With you
With you

Nobody loves no one

Christ on a bike

Well, maybe not Christ, but me. My lovely holiday in the Highlands didn't turn out the way I had planned. I had a very nasty accident which landed me in hospital, unable to walk, bleeding like hell, and in the operating theatre. Luckily the worst didn't happen and I was discharged today and I came immediately back to Glasgow. I disctinctly remember pulling my clothes away from the area and seeing my skin and about 3 inches of flesh and muscle peel away with it, and this huge hollow where all that stuff should have been. I very nearly fainted, and I couldn't even talk. Still, I went to hospital, was examined, yada yada yada. Even the nurses recoiled when they saw it :/ X-Rays followed, and a bunch of other stuff, culminating in an IV drip and being put under general anasthetic. Afterwards, I looked like one of those people you see on TV! I had the IV drip, the things hooked up to various parts of me, with the tubes going up the nose to boot. Ah, it's never felt better to be back in good old Glasgow.

Big changes

Well, I'm out job hunting, and found a few possibilites. There's some light office work I might try, then again, there's a part time job in one of the concessions in House of Frasier that I might go for. I don't really mind what I get, as long as I can save up £350 by the end of August with it! Me, Gavin and Harrison have got a place now, but there's some work being done on it, and we'll be moving in towards September. The rent is really good, it's a very spacious place (despite not having a living room :S) and is just off Great Western Road. All in all, things seem to being okay just now...*crosses fingers*