Listen up

I feel the need for a good rant, so y'all better listen up.

I am so fucking sick of some of the people I used to call friends. Indeed one of which I called my friend up until very recently. It's quite unbelievable the sheer cruelty you can find in the human race, even just in the little things. I'm not talking about war, or anything like that, but in every day life. For example, reading out someone's diary to a group of people in what some would deem a "bitchy" or "satirical" voice is extremely cruel. What these people don't realise, and neither do the people laughing along with it, that it is someone's whole life you are ridiculing.

Another thing I wish to say is that it has come to my attention recently that someone I called a friend is in fact no friend at all, if any other people wish to step forward and claim their hate for me, just fucking do it, I don't give a shit about it, or indeed about you. Finding this out about someone I highly respected has made me wonder about who secretly hates me and won't let on, but I urge you to just do it and stop being a chicken shit.

Good day to you.

New Beginnings

God, wouldn't it be great to be able to start all over again? I wish I could leave Scotland, move to some other country, and start again, with no reminder of my past life (excepting family of course). It would be great. Of course, I would miss a lot of my friends and stuff, but oh well :P

Seriously, though, just think about it. Moving to an entirely new country, with no ties to your life in Scotland. It just seems like paradise. It's also a big fucking pipe dream! Alas, I'm stuck here until I get the money to move away from your sorry asses... No offence, really!

Bugger off boyo's

I haven't written anything in a while, I suppose it's because, as Harrison said, "I haven't been in the mood to share my thoughts and feelings with the world". Very accurate.

I could put my innermost thoughts and feelings on here, it wouldn't make much of a different to all you people that read my blog, but I'm not going to. I will keep some things to myself.

It was great when I was a part of the Legion, I thought I had found true friends. Finally. At last. Fuck that though, you're just as bad as the rest of the cunts that I've befriended in the past. Well, not all of you. Some have remained friends. And I appreciate that. But for the record, I would NEVER have looked for anyone's private blog, and if I had found it, I wouldn't have read it. People accuse me of being nosey, but I'm hardly as bad as most of you.

*rant over*

I've made a heart wrenching decision, that I know is for the best. I won't put it here, because it's none of your goddamn business, bastards.

I'm sorry

I'm sorry for everything, I truly am. I never meant for any of this to happen. For those of you that I've hurt in the course of my worthless life, I only hope you can forgive me in the future, despite how unlikely that is.

I'm so fucking sorry.

Random thoughts

I'm sitting in RMPS, working for the first time this year. I've been told I need to have handed in my final draft of the dissertation in a few days. I haven't finished my first draft. I'm not even close to finishing it! It's not really a surprise to me that I'm going to fail.

I am working, but I'm finding it very difficult to keep my concentration, which is why I'm writing this post. I'm hoping that if I express my feelings slightly, I'll be able to work better. I'm just feeling really sad. I've been pretty depressed for a while now, and although I'm not going into the details of it, I'm hoping things will get better soon. I'm listening to The Band Played Waltzing Matilda, by the Pogues, which probably isn't the best song to be listening to right now! Still, it's beautiful.

I'm dreading leaving school, whilst not being able to wait! I know I'll feel a lot better about things once I go to uni, but it's so scary leaving the security blanket that is school. I guess it's something everyone has to face at some point in their lives, and it's my turn next month.

I haven't really decided if I want to keep in touch with my school friends. There are some people I will definitely be in solid touch with, but others I would prefer to just send the odd email to. It's too ambitious to think you'll know everyone perfectly once you leave school. Your life moves on so dramatically, you meet new friends, and will find it more difficult to keep in touch. With people still in school, I will be in a completely different stage of my life, and will probably find it difficult to communicate with them properly. And with my friends that are in university, they'll be meeting new people, like I will, and we'll get too caught up in our newfound lives to bother with each other. It can be a sad thought, but it's inevitable. And I doubt it's healthy to stay still and refuse to change in line with the changes that are happening.
I used to want to stay in touch with everyone, like I'd never left school, but I've come to realise this as a pipe-dream. And now that I understand that there will be people I say my final goodbye to next month, it doesn't bother me as much. It's all part and parcle of life.

And to all you people I will say goodbye to, thanks for being my friend. I know I'll never forget you, because you've all had such an impact on my life.

I love Scott Walker (3)

If time were not a moving thing
And I could make it stay
This hour of love we share
Would always be
There'd be no coming day
To shine a morning light
And make us realize our night is over

And when you walk away from me
There is no place to put my hand
Except to shade my eyes against the sun
That rises over the land
I watch you walk away
Somehow I have to let you go
Cause it's over

If you knew just how I feel
You might return and yet
There are so many times
That people have to love and then forget
There might have been a way somehow
I have to force myself to say
It's over

And so I turn my back,
I turn my collar to the wind
I walk along in silence
Trying not to think at all
I set my feet before me
Walk the silent street before me
Cause it's over

It's over

I love Scott Walker (2)

What was it like when we were young
Sleeping in eachothers arms
Walking in eachothers dreams
Was it only yesterday
I've forgotten anyway

What was it like to hear your name
Where's the girl that I once knew
Running home thru winter parks
Arm in Arm and heart in heart
Now like children in the dark
We hold hands and watch the rain

When you kissed my eyes awake
Running mornings crowded streets
Just to find we've missed our bus
but we'd laugh , kiss, what the hell

When you'd burst in from the rain
Clasp my head between your hands,
kiss away the darkest day
Always there to understand.
You could make me proud again

Now I go aimlessly at night
Sleep with faces I don't know
Always coming back to you
and the shadows of this room

I must search you eyes again
Just to find that they are dead

Always coming back to you

I love Scott Walker (1)

If you go away
On this summer day
Then you might as well
Take the sun away
All the birds that flew
In the summer sky
When our love was new
And our hearts were high
And the day was young
And the night was long
And the moon stood still
For the night bird's song

If you go away

But if you stay
I'll make you a day
Like no day has been
Or will be again
We'll sail the sun
We'll ride on the rain
And talk to the trees
And worship the wind

Then if you go
I'll understand
Leave me just enough love
To fill up my hand

If you go away
As I know you will
You must tell the world
To stop turning, turning
'til you return again
If you ever do
For what good is love
Without loving you?
Can I tell you now
As you turn to go
I'll be dying slowly
'til the next hello

But if you stay
I'll make you a night
Like no night has been
Or will be again
I'll sail on your smile
I'll glide on your touch
I'll talk to your eyes
That I love so much

But if you go
I won't cry
Though the good is gone
From the word
Goodbye

If you go away
As I know you must
There'll be nothing left
In this world to trust
Just an empty room
Full of empty space
Like the empty look
I see on your face
And I'd have been the shadow
Of your shadow
If it might have kept me
By your side

Back again

I know I haven't written for a while, I haven't had the energy nor the will. Sometimes with diary's, they become so associated with bad things that you can't return to them, but I'm trying not to let this happen again.

Sad to say things haven't improved much since my last post, except that I'm starting to cope with my loss. The day after my nana died, me and Jack broke up. This really broke my heart, and I still love him very much. Though I doubt he can say the same for me!

I want to thank everyone for the support over the last couple of months, I don't know if I would have made it without you all.

If you didn't see my myspace...

Answer as best you can. Thankee!

1. Who are you?

2. Are we friends?

3. When and how did we meet?

4. How have I affected you?

5. What do you think of me?

6. What's the fondest memory you have of me?

7. How long do you think we will be friends?

8. Do you love me?

9. Do you have a crush on me?

10. Would you kiss me?

11. Would you hug me?

12. Physically, what stands out?

13. Emotionally, what stands out?

14. Do you wish I was cooler?

15. On a scale of 1-10, how hot am I?

16. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.

17. Am I loveable?

18. How long have you known me?

19. Describe me in one word.

20. What was your first impression?

21. Do you still think that way about me now?

22. What do you think my weakness is?

23. Do you think I'll get married?

24. What makes me happy?

25. What makes me sad?

26. What reminds you of me?

27. If you could give me anything what would it be?

28. How well do you know me?

29. When's the last time you saw me?

30. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?

31. Do you think I could kill someone?

32. Do you miss me?

33. Do you think i miss you?

34. Are you going to put this on your MYSPACE and see what I say about you?

There's no title that could sum up this moment in time, this utter horror that seems to have taken hold. Some people pestered me about writing another blog post, well here it is. Fresh off the press.

As wonderful as this time of year is already, what with the anniversary of Keiran's death, the 17th. Another event has been added to the list. The death of my most wonderful nana. It's been on the cards, I know it has, but I can't cope. Especially not right now, what with my mum's operation and Keiran. This is turning into another shitty year.

Right now I can't do much apart from sit. When I stand, my legs collapse under me. I cried my eyes out and now I'm just in utter shock. She was a mum to me my whole life, she brought me up. She was always there for me, and did everything she possibly could for me. And now she's gone.

I can't believe it.

Another test. Oh deary.

You are a Social Liberal (75% permissive) and an... Economic Liberal (25% permissive) You are best described as a: Strong Democrat Link: The Politics Test on Ok Cupid Also: The OkCupid Dating Persona Test

Perhaps more interesting than the other tests that litter my blog.

New Year

Inspired by David's blog, I decided to write my own experience of 2005. My verdict is that it was mixed. Extremely so, with amazing highs and horrendous lows. The beginning of the year was absolutely awful. I started the year with the death of one of the people closest to my heart, and I doubt I will ever get over it. And to be honest, things didn't improve that much after that. One of the things I am most thankful for though, is the friends that I've found. I can't imagine life without them anymore, and you all mean a hell of a lot to me.
Another extreme low was me and Joseph breaking up. That broke my heart, well and truly, but yet something so amazing happened from it. Me and Jack got together. I am so happy that we did, and hopefully he feels the same :P
I loved all the summer legion meets! They were amazing! Cinema trips and blind fighting!! I vouch for another summer of us all hanging out, not just in out little groups, although that too obviously.
Summer was also the home of the best time of the year, the camping trip!! It was perfect. Especially that night with "the song", the stars and the sea. Indescribable.
Ah, then came 6th year. The best year by far. Personal relationships with teachers, coffee and biscuits, the occasional slice of cake. Treated like an adult, which doesn't happen in any other year. The work even becomes interesting!
My God, life in the past few months has been insane, in a good way of course! Lots of parties, and spending the night in the freezing cold, wandering about in Glasgow, and ending up in Buchanan Street Bus Station at 5am, barely able to move or talk with the cold. Lots of strange things have happened, including spin the bottle truth or dare, nakedness and pouring wax on people's bodies. So far there have been no orgies, but it's not out of the question :P

What a year.

Closer!!!

ZOMG I love this song. Nine Inch Nails are da bomb. Well, sometimes. Another good song is Even Deeper *cough*

"I wanna fuck you like an animal... I wanna feel you from the inside."

What fun :P

Another random

These random contacts sometimes turn out to be complete weirdos. My most recent encounter is with someone of unknown gender or location who believes that sex is fundamentally wrong. That it is only for perverts. This is just so...infuriating. How can the most natural act in the world be wrong? The very basis of and creation of life is wrong? Gah, this has annoyed me.

It's fun as well!!

More Results...

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free. In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved. You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring. You would be forced to break up with someone who was insecure and in constant need of reassurance. Your ideal relationship is comforting. You crave a relationship where you always feel warmth and love. Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment. You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred. In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

Your Daddy Is Johnny Depp

What You Call Him: Pops Why You Love Him: He knows best

Who's Your Daddy?

Your Birth Month is July

Introspective and intense, you tend to be a deep thinker. You are quiet and spiritual - and you have a unique perspective on life. Your soul reflects: Lightness, luck and an open heart Your gemstone: Ruby Your flower: Larkspur Your colors: Green and red

What Does Your Birth Month Mean?

Your Band Name is:

The Hard-drinkin' Twins

Band Name Generator

Heehee.

The Other Side

I wonder what it's like. If there is anything once you die. Sometimes I feel like there must be, your soul can't just disappear, but then again it seems so naiive to believe that. I ask people that don't believe in a soul to look at someone, a random person, and tell me that there is nothing more to them than electrical impulses and organs. That they are a robot. So far no one has been able to admit it. They'd have to be a complete pessimist to say that and I'm glad I've never met someone that depressing.

Prepare yourself.

I was really bored and wrote a poem. Don't be too harsh, I just wrote things down as they came into my head and I know it's shit.

Start to think, pain all through.
When you try and try, and it's got you.
Nothing you can do.
Except surrender to the few.
That scream and cry in the night.
Don't go without a fight.

Never live without a death.
Fight till the very last breath.
Know you can do it, in the face of all hell.
Feel the flames and ring the bell.
Signal the time for new hope to arise.
Swarming like flies to the light in the skies.

Living in a bin with hobos attacking my feet

Is that what the future holds? Apart from the fact that it would be funny, and I would have to find the whole legion to tell them about it, it doesn't sound particularly appealing. It's strange that you have no real control over the future, you can never know what's going to happen, and yet we plan endlessly, desperate for some kind of foothold. I'm hoping to go to university next year, but anything could happen between now and then. I could die, there could be a major war, I could become a helpless alchoholic junky living in a bin with hobos attacking my feet.

It's truly amazing how things turn out. Things you would never even suspect happen, and throw you completely off course. Why make definite plans? If you can't anticipate the future then you're just making vague gestures towards an abyss, a world that is dark to you. Maybe it's better to let things happen and to work towards something you want, don't be definite about anything. It's too easy to get hurt that way when things don't work out like you expect. I find this concept difficult because my world relies on the plans that I make. In day to day life to 30 years from now. Always planning a future I don't know exists.

Self Esteem...

Results of your Self-Esteem Test
your score = 25

What does your score mean?

This likely comes as no surprise to you, but you have relatively low self-esteem. Your answers on the test showed a lot of doubt about your own abilities, lack of self-love and some attitudes and beliefs that are contributing to your confidence problem.