I'll Be Seeing You

I'll be seeing you
In all the old familiar places
That this heart of mine embraces
All day through.

In that small cafe;
The park across the way;
The children's carousel;
The chestnut trees;
The wishin' well.

I'll be seeing you
In every lovely summer's day;
In every thing that's light and gay.
I'll always think of you that way.

I'll find you
In the morning sun
And when the night is new.
I'll be looking at the moon,
But I'll be seeing you.

I'll be seeing you
In every lovely summer's day;
In every thing that's light and gay.
I'll always think of you that way.

I'll find you
In the morning sun
And when the night is new.
I'll be looking at the moon,
But I'll be seeing you.

Despite having hardly any sleep and a fairly humdrum night ahead, I'm in a surprisingly good mood! Hopefully it'll stay a 3 of Cups day and I won't get all grumpy later XD

I need to convince Burky to be out, I'm in the mood to see loads of people I know, for the first time in a while! I hope Danny's out, I haven't seen him in so long. Last time I saw him he completely ignored me because he was with his girlfriend! She hates me because I'm his ex XD Oh well, he made me a sorry card and posted it to me, it's good to get back into the habit of writing letters :D

The only thing that's even vaguely annoyed me are the irritating voicemails of Harrison making random noises down the phone XD Even then it doesn't bother me, it's all good!

What a boring, inane post! Well, suck it, I don't care :D

Ah...to be young again!

Baaah, why is life so utterly and incredibly dull? I feel disillusioned! When you're young, life is all new and exciting, filled with adventures. I wish I could be a little kid again, so I could re-experience it all. I know I have a lot of life left to live, but right now it all seems rather...blah. Even the things that should be fun, going out with friends and attempting to drink and drug yourself into believing that it's all good, just isn't what it used to be!

It's always the same people going to the same places, talking about the same things and doing the same things each day/week/month/year. Even the little dramas that life dredges up are dull and uninteresting.

When you're a teenager you can't wait to grow up! Become an adult in an adult world, go to clubs without the worries of getting knocked back, experience all the planet has to offer. When you get to the point where it all comes true for you, you just think "Huh...is this it?"

Goddammit, I will have to make my life interesting! I'll walk the Great Wall of China, I'll get arrested in Nigeria for attempting to steal a goat, I'll do SOMETHING to pull myself out of this damnable rut!

Me and Blitzer always wanted to do those things together, we are a pair of kindred spirits in many ways, but as time goes by the images of our great adventures start to fade. We've grown apart somewhat due to the happenings of the last year, but I want to try and get our friendship back to what it was. Especially given the disturbing information he imparted to me on Saturday.

Actually, other than that, Saturday was a surprisingly good night! I was sober, yet insanely hyper. For the many endless nights I spend in Glasgow city centre, very few stand out, but I think this one did.

As for the "disturbing information" I recieved, Blitzer has decided to renew his medic training and head for Gaza. I understand his reasons for doing it, his friend who was working as a medic there was shot in the face a few weeks ago and Blitzer feels the need to do something important before he goes blind. It's his personal mission, but one that I have a hard time supporting.

Well, the chips will fall as they may and it's out of my hands.

I'm not at all nervous!

I'm quite certain that giving away my hospital appointment details is a breach of the Hypocratic Oath! I hadn't wanted to tell my mum I was going to the neurology clinic until I knew a bit more about what was wrong, but they blurted out on the phone the time/date of the appointment, who it was with, and of course the department.

Having phoned today, they expected me to make it in for tomorrow! I had to re-schedule it and the nearest available time slot is the 6 of May, makes me wish I could have made it tomorrow after all.

I'm not sure what kind of tests I'll be undergoing at the clinic, the only thing I've found out thus far is that they will probably be giving me an MRI scan to check for brain tumours. Luckily I doubt it's anything so serious!

Still pretty worried though :P

Sometimes you need to hit rock bottom before you reach the other side

The last couple of months have been a dark, yet spiritual, time. I've isolated myself in every way and thought a lot about what I want and what I need. So many questions I've been contemplating, and only now have I found the answers. It occurs to me how idiotic I was not to have seen them when they were staring me in the face, but perhaps I wasn't ready to know. These were things I had to come to in my own time, when ready for them, although I don't think I would ever have been truly ready. What I learnt, what I understood, I've always known deep down, but have avoided until the time was right.

All the signs pointed to my need to retreat from the world and take time to reflect, and for a long time I didn't see the point since nothing seemed to be happening. I uncovered some repressed memories, realised the extent of my pain, but wasn't healing from any of it. It wasn't the right time though, this is a hard journey and an even harder lesson to learn. It's been a period of self doubt, of loneliness, of hope and then of hopelessness, but I don't think it's been for naught. I can feel myself changing and maybe I'll grow as a person, after the barren wilderness and hibernation. Maybe I'm in transition. I have a long road ahead of me though, it won't be easy. The one truly positive thing I can say right now is that I'm realising it is possible for me to move on, despite the hardship and the hurt it causes me.

In fact, this has all been one long journey. I started by repressing my feelings, almost immediately after it happened, and for a long time I wondered why I couldn't feel anything for him or the time we had together, how I had gotten over it so quickly. I thought to myself, surely I would take something away from this? Even if just a warm feeling when looking back on what we had? Instead I felt cold, disconnected from it all. Obviously I realised the truth a few months ago, all that love and all that pain hadn't gone anywhere, and it came flooding back like a burst dam. After feeling the inital effects of that, which were quite brutal in their intensity, the denial came in. The desperate hope that everything could be made right again. I ignored all the signs that told me I had to move on, because I just couldn't see it as a possibility, I felt like I could wait till the ends of the earth for him. I'm now past that stage, and as difficult as it is, I know what I need to do. I have no idea how long it'll take, or how I'll cope with it, but I'll manage somehow. I've never felt like this before, it's a whole new ballpark for me, and it's enough to put me off love forever, but I know I'll pull it together and be able to start afresh.

Your nearest and dearest will turn on you, don't forget it

Ah yes, the power of avoidance! Suppressing your feelings works a damn treat, there are some times in which you can't, but suppression is still the best way forward in general. Why face something today what you can face tomorrow? :P Procrastination has always been my friend and why give up the habit of a lifetime? Since I can't seem to get over him, I'll do exactly what I did after we broke up, repress it all. Maybe one day I'll face it. Still, it makes it difficult to be with other men. I'm seeing someone and have a couple of dates coming up, one of which is with John James! Haven't seen him in years, should be a good laugh. Although I know this is a positive step, I can't put my heart into it. I want to be with someone else and truly care about them, but how can you feel that way about a man when your heart is completely devoted to someone else? I suppose I'll have to puzzle this one out, because I have no intention of being the crazy old bag lady with 50 cats that all the kids are scared of. In all of the relationships I've been in since him, I've been so distant. My ex even broke up with me because of it!

I hate not being able to trust anyone, but I've never had any reason to trust. Basically everyone I've ever known has turned against me, most won't even tell me why. Some have been because of mistakes I've made, and I concede that, but with others it's all rumour. People I called my closest friends, trusted with secrets no one will ever know again, turned their backs on me because of rumours they'd heard about me. I thought they knew me well enough to know a rumour when they heard it, but it just affirms my belief that people are scum. I won't trust anyone so easily again, even the friends I have now that think I trust them because I tell them things, I'm always waiting for them to turn on me. It'll happen sooner or later. Still, at the end of the day, I desperately want to trust someone, be the open person I used to be. I've changed so much I'm barely me anymore. I know that without solving this problem I'll never be as close to anyone as I once was, I'll never open my heart to anyone.

Living fast and dying young

The past catches up to you in odd ways and at odd times. It's always when you least expect it. Things you thought were long gone, deep and buried, resurface just to destroy you all over again with the memory of what you once had.

It's never a good idea to look back, in fact it's something I religiously avoid if I can help it. It becomes painful to know that something you had long ago was the high point of your life so far, but it's so far gone and can never be retrieved. Cut to the present day - an empty shell of a life. It looks good from the outisde, things always do, who can dispute the life of a party animal. New experiences, new people, new life filled with adventures. Alcohol, drugs, partying and knowing everyone you need to know for the purposes of living it to the full.

Knowing everyone but having no close friends, sleeping with people but having no connection to any of them. An empty life, devoid of human contact but full of shallow pleasures. These get you only so far, before the lack of anything real, anything to hold and call your own, becomes an overwhelming loneliness.

A sharp comparison is made between the life you had and the life you live, one filled with true happiness you felt could never die, one filled with happiness that lasts as long as the cocaine high.

It's been a while

I seriously doubt anyone reads this, but I'll post anyway.

I had a great week up until Thursday night. I was in a new relationship with a sweet, lovely guy who I really liked. Who randomly ended things and didn't give me a reason! Why do people do that? It's only fair that the person knows why the relationship isn't working out, especially if they dump you completely out the blue. Oh well, I hadn't intended to get into a relationship this year, or at least for a while, so maybe this is for the best.

The truth of the matter

I read Harrison's blog post, and it made me think. He was a hermit for a week and now he's understanding things much better, whereas I have been a hermit for months and have just made myself feel worse.

I need to sort myself and my life out. I don't know where I'm going, what I'm doing, or how to even begin working it out, but I need to do something. My mind has been a mash of feelings, altering every second from optimistic to terminally bad. The anti-depressants I've been taking have helped a little bit, but I have a long way to go. I have a feeling that following in Harrison's footsteps and taking a break from the world for a week might be an idea, but instead of wallowing like before, I will use the time constructively. There are things I need to fully understand, nothing will go back to the way they were. Everything's changing around me, and I need to make a happy reality within the changes. Move on with my life, and keep the past where it belongs.

Fired from my job!

Long story which I can't be bothered writing about. I filed my claim for the dole today though, I was on the phone for an hour, answering all these questions about savings, income, rent and many more fascinating subjects. I have an interview at the job centre next week, hopefully it'll all be sorted out quickly since I can't actually afford to eat.

I need to get in touch with Bamboo to find out if they've sorted out my P45 so I can get my emergency tax back. I also need them to send me out my final pay slip for my dole interview, and write me an official letter telling me I've been fired (woo). Hopefully when I'm officially on Jobseekers Allowance the Housing Benefit will stop trying to get me and my mum to pay rent, we are exempt from such things due to the distinctly unemployed state of my household.

Possibly the most boring blog post anyone has ever written, but this is what is going on in my life right now. I feel all growed up, facing the shittiness of the world :D

p.s. I'm thinking about going back to university next year, and am investigating my options. Chances are I'll apply to study Acting at the RSAMD.

New job

I got a job, even if it is a shit one. I basically work every night from 10pm to 4am, so I won't have a social life until I quit! It's better than nothing I suppose, even if it does only pay £4.45 an hour...

Still, looking on the bright side, I'll have more money, and I will have bar experience so I can soon apply somewhere else!

Eureka!

Well, I'm leaving university. Realisation hit earlier today, when I had allowed myself for one moment to seriously consider that possibility. Given my worsening mental state, I am taking measures to ensure I am as happy as possible, and that means cutting ties with anything that is bringing me down.

Easier said than done.

By leaving university, I will be subject to an avalanche of disappointment from my family, which will be difficult to deal with, but some things are just necessary. I will go on the dole until I get a job, which will give me an extra £45 a week, and will start paying off some of my more immediate debt. I hope I'm making the right decision.

The new frontier

Lovely little green and white pills. One a day and your cares fly away! A month of guaranteed happiness ahead with these miracles of science. Can you feel my joy? No, I didn't think so.

And then there were two

Since my first one just got the basics out the way, and I couldn't think of any questions at the time for it, here's a brand spanking new one for the more advanced friend, with difficult questions galore :P

Click here, bitch

Quizzy quiz quiz quizzy quiz.............quiz

I made one of those silly quiz thingies, and no one will get it right! MUHAHAHA!!! Okay, maybe they will. Doubtful though. Face your doooom...

General offloading

Good things come and go, as is the way of life, but I've been lucky so far. Nothing terrible has happened so far this year, and although there is still plenty of time for that to rectify itself, I'm fairly optimistic. Despite this, I seem to have fallen into a bit of a slump recently. Stress, sadness and insomnia have taken hold more than I would care to admit. This blog, which I use so rarely now, is a good way to express these things, even if I don't go into the gorier of the details.

I suppose the main source of my stress would be university. I wish I could quit without the feeling of having failed myself, and without the severe disappointment that it would cause my family. I deal with this stress in the worst possible way, by simply not turning up for classes. This, of course, adds to it substantially. The amount of coursework due in the next couple of weeks, presentations, reports, etc, and not having been to any of the relevant classes, and therefore having no idea what I'm going to do.

Well, there's not much to say apart from that. Or, indeed, not much I'm willing to say to the general public. I should try and sleep now, 'try' being the operative word. Wish me luck in this endeavour.

New Year!

Happy new Year!!!! :D I've started the new year very well, with friends whom I love, and an amazing boyfriend. I really couldn't be happier, and I hope it stays that way :)












That is all.

Friday/Saturday post

I forgot, I was going to write a quick post about Friday night and Saturday.

Bo's room is quite possibly the best place in existence! Her room is actually a tent. It is a tent. Good grief. There was quite a lot of booze, and for the first time in months, I got drunk! Harrison got wasted, as did Bo, those lucky bastards.

We all played spin the bottle >_< I know how immature it is, but it was a laugh. I got off with Dean and Bo, Harrison and Dean got off twice, Gavin and Caitlin, Gavin and Bo, Gavin and Dean. In fact, Gavin's just a big hoe! That's right, you heard me, Gavin! It was a generally really good night, and Saturday was brilliant. Everyone was just lazing around, watching South Park, etc. Liam took Nikita home, then came back with masses of crisps, mini rolls, jammy dodgers, pepsi, etc! Ooooh, we were happy.

Anyhoo, here are some Saturday morning/afternoon pictures.

Me and Harrison

Gavin looking sweeeeet :P

This is an awful picture

Bo and Liam, ain't they adorable?

General mess

Bo and Caitlin looking lovely

Me looking desperately for a lighter

Bo told me to hold this pose!

Gavin is a big blue slug

How you doin'?

Shmokin'

An idiotic post

How do you motivate yourself to do work? I try and scare myself into working by thinking about how badly I'll fail if I don't, but it just puts me off more. I need to write my 1000 words for the group report by 1pm this afternoon. It's 11:18am and I haven't even started. It's quite possible I'll be killed by the rest of the group, since, unlike Janice, who's got a lot of shit going on just now, I have no reason for not writing it. I also have a presentation to do on Thursday, and unfortunately for me, it's on last week's subject material, which I just happened to miss because I'm lazy and couldn't be bothered going in. I was sure I'd take university seriously, but apparently I'm just not a working person. Not good.

Yes, I know, I'm procrastinating by writing this post. I decided to write a post about work I have to do instead of actually doing it. I'm stupid, okay?

SCANDAL!!!!!!!!1111one

Erm, yes. Well, another post is here, so you can all stop crying, I know how you missed me. And if you didn't, this uzi in my hand will make sure you change your mind pretty damn fast.

There is a new scandal, so brace yourselves! And yes, again, it involves me. Is it just me or is my life a bloody soap opera? Full of death, tears, scandal and bright shiny happy moments. There really ought to be more of that last one though :P I'm sure plenty of people will bitch about me a lot, or should I say, more than usual, about this, but I'm going out with Harrison now. Deal with it how you will! Unless it involves murder. That's probably not the best solution.

I actually have nothing particular to say in this post, I just felt I should make one since it's been quite a while. Well, ciao for now. Got to go start some uni work :/