I wish I could forget everything sometimes. My painful memories far outweigh the good ones. Things have been coming back to me tonight, and they hurt so badly. Some things I was sure I was over, but I don't think I am.
I can't believe it's been nearly a year since Keiran died... I want to see him, to hug him, to laugh with him like always... But it'll never happen again. I remember when he died, Joseph was there for me, and I appreciated it more than I ever said. I wish I had told him how much it meant to me, and how much I needed it.
Back when he cared. What am I going to do about Joseph? He always looks at me with the coldest eyes, he always seems like he wants me to be almost anywhere else. Maybe I give him too many bad memories, and I couldn't blame him for that. I feel completely on edge when I'm with him. Maybe it's just me, but he seems to really dislike me. And sometimes it's just that he doesn't seem to care at all. Fuck, that hurts. Even a couple of months ago he was there for me, he was warm and caring, but not now.
I'm so confused... I wish I knew more about how I felt. I can't work it out, and I'm scared. I don't want to go back there...
Is it all worth it? It doesn't really seem like it just now...
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8 comments:
i think perhaps joe is just really preoccupied with his own life right now, i know if i was that far away from helen i wouldnt be able to get her off my mind.
you have loads of people who care about you ais, jack is the ovious one, but you also mean a lot to me as a friend, confident and someone i care for.
i know sometimes life seems rubbish, and you'd rather forget those you have lost, but if you forget them then they may as well never have existed. you should remember them as they were, but realise that they would want you to enjoy your life.
we all care about you so much.
But people don't actually care. That's the thing.
I care, Aisling. I know it's hard to believe - I mean, we hardly ever speak, and I don't remember us ever having a proper long conversation except for that one time on MSN not so long ago, but you still mean a lot to me.
That's really nice of you, thanks. It means a lot.
I care a lot about you too, and I'm sure you know that.
Me? I care, though you don't believe it. I've got more experience than most of what it means to care about you. I am preoccupied with my own life these days. Not having Becca around like the rest of you have someone has been putting me in really poor moods, and making me feel really anti-social.
I don't want you to be anywhere else at all. Hell, the classes we're in together just aren't right if you're not there.
Thanks. It's true that I have my doubts as to whether you actually care about me still, but I'll try and disspell them.
i care about you. i care about you a great deal.
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